THE WORLD'S BEST DOG NAMES:

 If I ever decide to get a dog (again, haven't had one since Fang in the 80s) I have long decided on one of two names:

• Cujo
• or Whosa

Fang & Fam early 1980s

Can you identify the reference/significance of these names?

Scroll to the bottom for the answer.

-

-

-

-

-Cujo:

I can't believe that in the 41 years since the book and then the movie came out I have never met a dog owner with a pet named Cujo. All my dogs before then were named Charlie, Rolf (German for wolf), Snoopy, and Fang (named before the movie). Maybe it was superstition, but I'm sticking with Cujo up next.

-Whosa:
As in Whosa good boy, you'sa good boy... COME ON! I'll have the most popular dog in the dog park, of course, all the other dogs will be jealous because their owners will always be repeating his name.

Of course, if it fits the dog's personality my third choice is Damn'it

SUNDAY MEMES:

 

SUNDAY MEMES:

A day late.

SUNDAY MEMES:

meme= an image, video, piece of text, etc., that is copied (often with slight variations) and spread rapidly by Internet users.

Thanksgiving Dinner:

As every year I am having friends and family over for thanksgiving dinner, everyone is invited including my Kingston Square neighbors.

We have video and Computer Games. If you want to stop by to just visit or fix a plate that’s fine.

Please be aware that Martha Stewart is not coming, she will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:

• Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries.  After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
• Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make. The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match [probably paper] and everyone will get a fork [OK, plastic].
• Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised.  Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.
• We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait.  I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims, and the turkey hotline.  Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.
  As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming.  If someone should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them.  They are nuts.
• We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like.
• In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table.  In a separate room.  Next door. I’m still recruiting amongst my neighbors
• Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of aappreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances,
  enter the kitchen to laugh at me.  Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress.  I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win.  When I do, we will eat.
• I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that "passing the rolls" is not a football play.  Nor is it a request to bean your brother in the head with warm tasty bread. 
• Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence of young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce.  If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance.
• Before I forget, there is one last change.  Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice: take it or leave it.
• Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next year either.  I am thankful.

Glenn, 7138-G

---

The above is taken from our 2003 Thanksgiving Dinner invitation. From 2001 to 2006 we held Thanksgiving dinner at my apartment in Kingston Square. It was open to friends, family, and co-workers. As the attendance grew it outgrew my apartment and eventually we switched from a Thanksgiving gathering to a similar event centered around the 4th of July (Independence Weekend Picnic which we have held annually since 2009 (to the present, 2017)

GlennDL 2017

Happy Holidays: Slide Show For Laughs

-refresh page to restart slide show-

18

Properly Training Your Wife:

Three men from Texas were sitting together one day bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Illinois and had told her that she was going to have to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Michigan . He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from Missouri. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher...

courtesy of Judy McCrate

Beating A Speeding Ticket.

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding:

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

courtesy of Felicia Thompson

Bathing Your Cat:

Please forward to cat lovers everywhere who are very concerned about their cat's hygiene.

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. 
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
   bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

 

Sincerely,
THE DOG

Redneck Halter Top:

Good googily woogily!
                                                       originally posted 12-8-08

There is a great need for sarcasm font…

Dead Penguins:

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in  Antarctica ?  - Where do they go ?  Wonder no more ! ! ! 
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic Bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.  The penguin is very committed to its family. It mates For life, and maintains a form of compassionate contact with its Offspring throughout its life. 
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other Members of the family and social circle have been Known to dig holes in  the ice, using their vestigial Wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for The dead bird to be rolled into and buried. 
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: 
                         "Freeze a jolly good fellow"
                         "Freeze a jolly good fellow." 
"Then they kick him in the ice hole."

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

I don’t need to outrun the bear…

Whenever I'm in a conversation about compassion, justice, non-competitive sports, victims rights, class basketball, there occasionally emerges some macho Neanderthal mentality from someone, not always men, that its about 'survival of the fittest'. The way its supposed to be: wits and strength, the strong survive, etc.
But what immediately runs through my mind when I here these arguments are four questions:

1. In the wild, just strength and wit, where does this person stand in the food chain?
2. In a bare handed encounter between this person and a bear who would win?
3. Could I outwit or kick this person's butt?
4. In a three way encounter, this guy, a bear and me, who can run the fastest?

Most the time I feel me and the bear are safe.

Bear Encounter

Happy April Fools’ Day: (But check your calendar first, this could be a trick.)

Origins.
An 1857 ticket to "Washing the Lions" at the Tower of London in London. No such event ever took place.

The custom of setting aside a day for the playing of harmless pranks upon one's neighbor is recognized everywhere. Some precursors of April Fools' Day include the Roman festival of Hilaria, the Holi festival of India, and the Medieval Feast of Fools.

In Chaucer's Canterbury Tales (1392), the "Nun's Priest's Tale" is set Syn March bigan thritty dayes and two. Modern scholars believe that there is a copying error in the extant manuscripts and that Chaucer actually wrote, Syn March was gon. Thus the passage originally meant 32 days after March, i.e. 2 May, the anniversary of the engagement of King Richard II of England to Anne of Bohemia, which took place in 1381. Readers apparently misunderstood this line to mean "32 March", i.e. 1 April. In Chaucer's tale, the vain cock Chauntecleer is tricked by a fox.

In 1508, French poet Eloy d'Amerval referred to a poisson d’avril (April fool, literally "April fish"), a possible reference to the holiday. In 1539, Flemish poet Eduard de Dene wrote of a nobleman who sent his servants on foolish errands on 1 April. In 1686, John Aubrey referred to the holiday as "Fooles holy day", the first British reference. On 1 April 1698, several people were tricked into going to the Tower of London to "see the Lions washed".

In the Middle Ages, New Year's Day was celebrated on 25 March in most European towns. In some areas of France, New Year's was a week-long holiday ending on 1 April. Some writers suggest that April Fools' originated because those who celebrated on 1 January made fun of those who celebrated on other dates. The use of 1 January as New Year's Day was common in France by the mid-16th century, and this date was adopted officially in 1564 by the Edict of Roussillon.

source: Wikipedia

Man Flies By Own Lung Power (April Fool's Day - 1934)  Among the papers that printed this photo as an authentic piece of news were the New York Daily News (which, at that time, had the largest circulation in the U.S.), the New York American, the Daily Mirror, and the Chicago Herald & Examiner,   See other April Fools Day Hoaxes

How To Stop A Teenie-Bopper:

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine but, after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.

Humor:

from: 1-5-2013

Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations.
There is more logic in humor than in anything else.
Because, you see, humor is truth. .. Victor Borge

Having a bad day?

Having a bad day? Remember, it could always get worse.

courtesy of Kelly Ann

Redneck Engineers:

      Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.  

      A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."  

      The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down.  

      Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, measured the pole, and said, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.  

      Junior shook his head and laughed, "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We asked for the height, and she gives us the length!"

Mommy On FaceBook:

OR

"...I'm not allowed one imaginary friend in the backyard but Mommy has 433 of them on FaceBook”

I don’t take candy from Strangers.

“Saaaaaay, aren’t you a stranger in these parts? Well, I don’t take candy from Strangers.”